Our society has made it commonplace to run off to college the fall after graduating from high school. All the adults in your life seem to lecture you about the importance of college and give you a list of reasons why you shouldn’t take a gap year between high school and college. There’s so much pressure from family, teachers, and even strangers who don’t even know you. It’s easy to crack and believe that you need to go to college.
Everyone stressed the importance of exploring my options so between my junior and senior years of high school, I looked into all possible options including a gap year. I found so many opportunities to adventure the world and even participate in medical mission trips. This kind of experience would have made my college applications stand out so much more than just my grades and involvement in sports and activities. I could only see the good that could result from a year away from school in the real world.
I was a great student growing up. I always had more A’s than B’s and never anything below. I was focused, hardworking, and driven. I viewed myself as destined for medical school and thought I was the perfect candidate – I was involved, had good grades, and had the determination. Even though I was a great student, I felt as if I needed to take the time away from school.
Traveling for a year is too eccentric. You’ll get lost or sick. You’ll never go back to school. You’re already going to be in school forever, why would you want to make it longer?
Everyone convinced me that taking a year off would be detrimental to my end goal. So I went to college. During my senior year, I set up a scheme. I was going to do anything and everything I could to make sure I ended up Dr. Arianna. I declared a biology major and put myself in the pre-med track. I followed more pre-med and medical students on social media platforms. I was in high school and preparing to study for the MCAT.
I’m so prepared. I’m going to be on top in college. I’ll be an even better student than I am right now.
Fast forward to the middle of December that year – reality backhanded me with my first C, ever. Everyone struggles in college at first, it’s totally normal. That winter break, I made a plan for myself. I was going to come back better and stronger than ever. I overloaded myself between classes, working, forcing myself to study longer than my attention span, and trying to give my all to my sorority with my new positions. For a second semester in a row, I had a class that I just didn’t understand all that well. It showed on my transcript with yet another C.
I went from a student with consistent A’s and a few B’s to a student who was struggling to make straight B’s. What happened in my transition from high school to college?
I wan’t ready. I joined a sorority and other groups on campus to make my resume stand out for medical school applications. I spent more time in the library than I did in my dorm room or my apartment. In high school, I didn’t worry because I knew I’d be accepted to college. When I got to college and began to struggle, the future wasn’t so certain anymore. I didn’t have the amazing stats anymore. I overworked myself more than a 19 or a 20 year old should be.
I developed anxiety – it was there every time I turned in an assignment and when I took a quiz or a test. I was doing my absolute best in school but I knew it wouldn’t be good enough to get accepted to medical school. Even if I managed to get accepted, I knew the coursework would be even worse than the material I was learning in college. I was so focused on the future that I didn’t love myself in the present. I fell into a depression every semester that I saw all of my classmates perform better than me.
I was not okay.
I made it through two and a half years – five semesters (and a couple weeks of the sixth semester) before I simply couldn’t do it anymore. At the rate I was going during the first couple weeks of that sixth semester, I knew I was going to get a D or lower in my first five-week long class. I already had not one but two D’s on my transcript and I wouldn’t accept anymore. I knew my mental health was failing at an alarmingly fast rate and I just could not take the pressure anymore. So I looked into my options and I withdrew.
I received so many concerning looks and comments from family and friends when I informed them of my decision. I decided to give up on the biggest dream I had since the days when my Olympic dream was still alive. Even when I explained myself, no one else seemed to understand my decision. The only thing that everyone else saw was that I was going into the real world with nothing but limited experience and my high school diploma.
If everything would have went according to my original plan, I would be preparing for my last undergraduate semester instead of writing this blog. I would have graduated in May and spent the summer preparing for the big move to medical school. But that isn’t my reality and it isn’t my dream anymore.
I wanted to be a doctor for the patients, to be the reason they aren’t sick or injured anymore. I wanted to be a doctor so I could prevent a family from feeling so lost and hurt like mine when we lost my uncle to cancer. I wanted to be a doctor to be that source of hope when things got bad. I had all of the right intentions. I wasn’t in it for the money because I knew I would have somewhere between a quarter and half of a million dollars in debt by the time ‘doctor’ actually preceded my name.
I still don’t know what I want to do for the rest of my life and that’s okay. I think our generation as millennials are changing the stigma. We’re making it acceptable to explore our interests for jumping straight into college. We’re normalizing the idea of having more than one job for your entire life. College is most definitely not for everyone but so many people leave or flunk out because society forces us to go.
If you’re in high school wondering whether you should go to college or take time off, do what you believe is best for YOU. Surely listen to what other people have to say, but DO NOT let it affect your gut feeling. Please trust your instinct. If there’s one major thing I’ve ever learned from my parents, it’s the fact that you are the only person who has to live with your decisions.
Lovely Radiant Life 